Love and Logic Parenting: The Difference Between Praise and Encouragement

So I'm making my way through the book Parenting with Love and Logic and learning so much!  I wanted to share a few points about Praise vs Encouragement that I thought was really interesting and has changed the way I encourage my kids!

We all want our kids to grow up with a healthy self image.  We want them to be confident and feel good about themselves when they do something well and when they fail miserably.

The problem with praise is that sometimes we over-use it.  We want so badly to encourage our children, that we do it all wrong!  Have you ever praised your child for a job well done even though they didn't do well?  We all do it...we feel bad that they failed but we know they tried hard so we say, "Good job!"  The kid is sitting there thinking, "Did he just watch the same basketball game that I played?  Cause I was terrible today!"  The child then begins to wonder what other things you say "just to be nice".

As the book says, "In the end, false praise almost always leads to disrespect."

Now, we shouldn't respond with, "Well that was terrible, what were you thinking when you took that shot?!"

But we shouldn't be corny, cheesy or insincere either.

Respond with questions and statements that let your child come to their own conclusions about themselves.  Then back them up with encouragement.

Adult: "That was quite a game.  How do you think you did today?"
Child: "Terrible, I missed every shot I took."
Adult: "Why do you think that is?"
Child: "I don't know, I don't want to talk about it." or maybe you'll get lucky with "Maybe I should practice more?"
Adult: "Well I'd be happy to help if you like, just let me know!  In the meantime, just keep trying your best."

Ask a question, the child comes to his own conclusion and then you offer help and encouragement as needed.

See how much better that is than false praise and cheesy cheer-leading?

Also, making statements like this are a big no-no:

"Wow!  Look at these grades!  You must be the smartest kid in class!"

What your child hears is, "Being smart in my parent's eyes equals having perfect grades.  Anything less than perfect is not acceptable to them."

Trade that for:

Adult: "So I looked at your report card, what do you think about those grades?"
Child: "I feel good about them, they are good grades!"
Adult: "I feel good about myself when I work hard at something too!  Good for you for trying your best!"

What your child hears is,  "My parents understand how hard I worked to get good grades and they are proud of me for trying my best."

Another example:  Acting overly happy about every little thing your child does. Look Mommy!  WOW, that is amazing!  Look Mommy!  WOW, you are just plain awesome!  Look Mommy!  EXCELLENT!

Sure, you mean well, and by all means, we should give our kids a little praise here and there.  But there is nothing healthy about a child who expects exuberant praise over every. little. thing.

A healthy way to encourage your child is to make encouraging statements when they least expect it.  Not overly cheesy comments, just statements.

Your child's room is clean.  You walk up to them when no one else is around, give them a little pat on the back and quietly say, " I noticed that your room is clean."  Give a little smile and walk away.  They feel good about a job well done, they know you noticed and that your praise was sincere.

You can also do this method just to let your child know that you notice them in general.  Your child is drawing quietly.  You walk up behind them and quietly say, "I notice you like drawing!"  And walk away.

Letting your child know that you "notice" things when they are not expecting it shows them that you notice them, their efforts and that you are proud of them without be insincere!

The book also notes a very important point about self esteem:


Positive Self Esteem Comes From Accomplishment

"The final steps of forming a positive self-concept as our kids grow is an inside job - it is something kids have to do for themselves.  It comes from working hard and accomplishing good things.  No amount of stuff or praise can build a resilient self image for children.  Oddly enough, kids don't feel good about themselves when we do everything we can to keep them happy or give them everything they want.  They have to sweat a little and earn things for themselves."

Makes so much sense, doesn't it?  Take a moment to think about how you praise your kids and remember the golden rule.  How do you like to be encouraged?  False "feel-good" praise or sincere acknowledgment and encouragement?

Recipe: Quick and Easy Chicken Pot Pie

This is a family favorite around here.  It's a really quick and easy recipe and very versatile as well.  It's a freezer friendly meal, prepare and freeze, put straight in the oven on a busy night!  Or just throw it all together last minute, quick and easy!


Chicken Pot Pie


Ingredients:
Pie Filling-
1 (9 oz) package of frozen mixed veggies (you can also use fresh) or use any veggies you wish!
1 cup cooked, shredded or cubed chicken (made even easier when you use some already prepared from your freezer!)
1 can cream of chicken soup
salt and pepper as desired (I like to throw in a little garlic powder as well for flavor)
(I've also been known to mix a little veggie puree in too)

Biscuit Topping-
1 cup Homemade Biscuit Mix
1/2 cup milk
1 egg
I usually sprinkle some Italian Seasoning and Parmesan Cheese into there as well, just for fun.

Mix all of the filling ingredients together and place in a pie dish or a small casserole dish  (I usually have to double this to feed my family and use a medium size casserole dish)

Mix all of the topping ingredients together and pour over filling.

Bake at 400 degrees for about 30 minutes or until topping is browned and cooked through.

(Mine might look extra brown because my homemade biscuit mix is made with wheat flour.)

Enjoy!

This post is linked to:
Homemaker Monday

Tasty Tuesday

A Southern Fairytale

Slightly Indulgent Tuesdays 
Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays
Check them out for more recipes!

Why I Think Christians Should Be The Most Earth Friendly People On The Planet

Happy Earth Day!

I am a pretty Earth-Friendly kind of a girl.  We do what we can.   Recycle, use reusable shopping bags, avoid using items that are not earth friendly when we can, conserve electricity, buy locally when possible, you know, the usual.  I would love to do more and every day I try to do a little more, be a bit more aware.

But you know who I get a lot of flack from about being Earth-Friendly? 

CHRISTIANS.

I've heard quite a few statements by my fellow God-fearing peeps about why being environmentally aware and responsible are not necessary.  If you are not a Christian and you are reading this, I encourage you to keep reading anyway!

...Global warming isn't real so what's the point... (which I totally DO NOT want to debate about, just saying, it's an excuse)

...It takes more energy to recycle a can than to just throw it away, how is that being earth friendly?

...Tree huggers...mumble, mumble....liberals...mumble, mumble...

...We won't be here in 10 years anyway....

And my favorite...

...The earth is supposed to blow up in the end days!

WOW.

So here is what I have to say ABOUT THAT.

First of all...being earth friendly does not equal being a liberal.  OK?  OK.

GOD CREATED THE EARTH and ultimately, it belongs TO HIM. (Genesis 1:1) 

God then gave us the responsibility of taking care of the earth for Him when He said this in Genesis 2:15: 

"Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it."

I don't want to get all deep on you, but take a quick look at what the words TEND and KEEP mean in Hebrew, the language the Bible was originally written in:

Tend (Hebrew ‘abad) means "to work or serve"

Keep (Hebrew shamar) means "to exercise great care over"

I think those meanings say it all, right?

One thing we know for sure about God is that when He gives us something, He expects us to respond wisely.

It's called STEWARDSHIP.  That's a fancy Christian word for taking care of what is given to you.  

You've heard the saying, right? "To whom much is given, much is required.."  That's actually a scripture verse from Luke 12:48.

The words in quotes below are not mine, I found them from someone in a random forum debating this idea and I thought it was fabulous and I couldn't write it any better. I don't know how to properly credit the person, so, thanks smart and insightful person, whoever you are!(I really should be a better "journalist", I know.)

"Stewardship implies care taking, not abusing. We are to wisely manage the resources God has given us, using care to preserve and protect them. This is seen in the Old Testament where God commanded that the fields and vineyards would be sown and harvested for six years, then left fallow for the seventh year in order to replenish the soil's nutrients, both to rest the land and to ensure continued provision for His people in the future (Exodus 23:10-11; Leviticus 25:1-7).

In addition to our role of caretakers, we are to appreciate the functionality and beauty of the environment. In His incredible grace and power, God has placed on this planet everything needed to feed, clothe, and house the billions of people who have lived on it since the garden of Eden. All the resources He has provided for our needs are renewable, and He continues to provide the sun and rain necessary to sustain and replenish those resources. And if this were not enough, He has also decorated the planet in glorious color and scenic beauty to appeal to our aesthetic sense and thrill our souls with wonder! Obviously as Christians, we should be doing what we can to be true stewards of God's creation ."

NOW, do I think we should spend billions of dollars to save an exotic plant in the middle of the Amazon somewhere?  Not really.  But what I do believe is that if we, as humans, created something like products made of plastic/glass/etc, then we should be responsible for taking care of the disposal of it!  Just dumping recyclable products into landfills is NOT being a good steward of the earth. Period.  How much energy it takes to crush the can is not the point.  If you want to use plastic items due to "convenience" then be prepared to take care if responsibly when you are done!

So what if the earth is going to be blown up anyway in the end...again, that's not the point, really.  If you knew in five years that you would be moving out of your current home and into a mansion...would you trash the home you live in in the mean time?  Of course not!  You'd take care of it, of yourself, until the time to move came. 

And also, "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."  Matthew 24:36  So even if you feel like the day is drawing near, which maybe it is, just saying, we should not plan as if the world is ending tomorrow.  We should plan like the end will never come and prepare our hearts like the end is tomorrow.

Oh yes, and also, this is what the Bible says about the earth being destroyed:

Isaiah 24:5‑6
    "The earth is defiled by its people; they have disobeyed the laws, violated the statutes and broken the everlasting covenant. Therefore a curse consumes the earth; its people must bear their guilt. Therefore earth's inhabitants are burned up, and very few are left."

um, yikes 

You don't think God cares about the way we treat the Earth? What about this verse:

Jeremiah 2:7
   "I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and rich produce. But you came and defiled my land and made my inheritance detestable."


And to end my thoughts on this matter, I leave you with this verse, which I don't fully understand, by the way, about our final judgment as humans but in the end it says this, which is pretty self explanatory:

Rev 11:18
"...The time has come for judging the dead, and for rewarding your servants the prophets and your saints and those who reverence your name, both small and great - and for destroying the destroyers of the earth."

Double yikes.  Are you convinced yet?

So, let's all do our part to be good stewards of the earth.  Take care of this beautiful planet that God gave us to live on.  Use the resources that God gave us to live.  Our time here is short, let's keep it beautiful.

The easiest things we can do are the three R's.  Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. It's really quite easy, and if we all did at least that, we would be pleasing God in a beautiful way! 

*I also wanted to say that I in no way mean to offend anyone or their religious or political beliefs. And I certainly don't want to start a religious/political debate in the comments. I purely want to encourage a thought provoking moment about being environmentally responsible.*  

Recipe: Homemade Ranch Dressing

My kids are lovers of all thing condiments.  Ketchup, mustard, the beloved ranch dressing...no thanks to my condiment loving husband...have become uber staples in our home.  You know me though, I'm not a fan of the garbage put into prepared foods.  I probably won't try making homemade ketchup or mustard anytime soon, but we do use a lot of ranch dressing.  So I thought, why not, let's give it a try!  The results were fantastic and I'll never buy a bottle of high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar laden ranch dressing bottles again!

Homemade Ranch Dressing

Ingredients:
1 tsp dried parsley, crumbled up really finely
1/2 tsp salt (I prefer sea salt)
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp onion powder
1/8 tsp dried thyme, crumbled up really finely
1/4 tsp dried dill
(now...you can make this up as a dry mix and store it in the pantry..use in place of those packets you spend a ridiculous amount of money on!)

For Salad Dressing:
Mix dry seasoning mix with 1 cup mayo (I like the olive oil kind) and 1-2 cups buttermilk (depending on how thick or thin you want it).  I like adding in 1/2 tsp lemon juice for a little zing as well, but it's not necessary.  If it's mayo tasting or thin for your liking, try adding some sour cream.

For Ranch Veggie Dip:
Mix dry seasoning mix with 1 3/4 cup sour cream and 1/4 cup buttermilk.

Enjoy!

Update: A lovely reader mentioned not having buttermilk on hand and I thought I should pass this tip along to you all!  If you do not have buttermilk on hand, you can easily make homemade buttermilk with regular milk and lemon juice or vinegar.  There is a recipe here for it.  Also, play around with the seasonings to adjust it to your liking!  Add more or less garlic or onion powder, kick it up a notch and add some kick with chili powder, omit the dill weed if you're not a fan...make it your own!

This post is linked to:
Homemaker Monday

Tasty Tuesday

Slightly Indulgent Tuesdays 
Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays
Check them out for more recipes!

Home Tour

So a bunch of fellow moms who blog came up with a really fun way to get to know one another by inviting each other into their homes with pictures and videos on their blogs. I thought it sounded like a lot of fun and we have a ton of family and friends from out of town who have never been to our home, so I thought this would be a great chance to welcome you all into our home, even if you are thousands of miles away!

I don't know how to the the pretty collage pictures some of the other fancy ladies did, and I don't have time to learn how to do it today, so this will just be a realy long post.  But that's ok, because if you were actually here, it would only take about 30 seconds to give you the tour.  So making you take a few minutes is kind of nice.  :)

Our house is super small, it is the first home that we purchased. We have quickly out grown it and have it up for sale right now (BUY IT! I'll give you a great deal!). We have lived here for 7 years. I really do like the house. It's cute and cozy, we know every corner of this house. But I am looking forward to a bigger house soon, one with just a few more corners to get to know.

This is my favorite part of the front yard.  I have had this old rocking chair for forever and it's falling apart, but that's why I like it.

Here is the living room.  We just got this furniture a few months ago.  It's amazing how much nicer the room looks with new furniture.  Before it was all, "We've been raising babies for several years, please pardon the puke stains" now it's all, "Look at us, we're adults!"

One of my favorite things in this room is the furniture.  My husband says it's uncomfortable, I say it's beautiful.  We know beauty comes before comfort, right ladies?  The ottoman opens up and stores all of our Wii remotes and accessories and blankets and pillows, another one of my favorite things.  I also love this big letter L which I received for review here.  I don't know why I love it so.  It stands for our last name, our family, who we are.  We are the Lehmans.  And we're proud of it!  And it's pretty, that helps too.

Now into the boys room...

All three boys share this room.  It works well.  It's crowded, but we make it work. They only sleep and get dressed in here.  We fit them all using a trundle bed under the bunk beds which you will see below.  Our boys have shared this room for a few years now so they are quite used to being cramped together.  Chandler is 9 and looking forward to having his own room really soon though.  He wants a surf room so everything in the room will be his when we move.  It's all relatively new.  We repainted and decorated to give the room a little charm while selling.

Here is the closet in the boy's bedroom.  Right now they have clothes in the dresser, the rest is my scrapbooking stuff which is awaiting it's own room, hopefully very soon.

And, now we are at the play room, which usually has legos spread all over the floor.

The play room closet, otherwise known as, The Arsenal.

 Annnnnd, the playroom 30 seconds after I took pictures.

Now, our room.  I redecorated a couple of years ago.  Our 10th anniversary was coming up so I wanted to redo the room to reflect our honeymoon in Jamaica.  I decorated the whole room with this vase as my inspiration piece.  Matt bought it for me on our honeymoon from a street vendor and it's one of my favorite things.  It reminds me of our honeymoon, quite possible THE happiest we have ever been.  Not to mention rested...and tan...and thin...the list goes on.

Every picture in the room is from our honeymoon.  I plan to have these ones above our bed blown up really big for the walls of our room when we get a bigger house.  (I know, I have lots of plans for that future house, don't I!)

The bathroom...I don't think I have to tell how ready I am to not share a bathroom with three little boys.

Last, but not least since it's my favorite room in the house, is the kitchen.  It's big and has a decent amount of cabinet and counter space.  And just enough room to house our huge antique table and buffet which belonged to Matt's grandmother.  He has refinished it, put a lot of work into it and I just love it.

The laundry room, errrr, closet, in the kitchen.

Like my sewing machine cover?  My mom makes them, among other super cute things, at her etsy shop, Homespun Expressions.  Check it out!

Oh, wait, I forgot the back yard!  We love the back yard.  The huge tree gives us a ton of shade and the greenery that fills the back is just lovely in the summer. It's also really big, perfect for family baseball games!

Of course, the backyard is usually littered with dump trucks and buckets full of dirt and worms...

And there you have it!  What do you think?  I promised some of you messy pictures, but I would have had to actually mess something up to do that.  LOL, YES, my house stays pretty clean.  BUT, I have three boys who are all getting older and clean up after themselves.  And I'm proud of how clean my house is, I work hard at it!  I don't watch tv during the day to distract me.  I do check facebook and twitter and blog, and play legos...but I still manage to keep my house pretty clean.  Here's how, just in case you wondering.  :)

Thanks for stopping by the longest #twitterhometour ever.  Hopefully, by the time we do this again, I will have a bigger home to show you!!  And it will take you an hour to read my post!  YAY!

I will look forward to checking everyone else's home tours out soon...and you can too!  Check them out by clicking on the button below!

Recipe: Pizza Stuffed Zucchini

What do you get when you combine pizza ingredients stuffed into a zucchini shell? Pure healthy yumminess!
Even the kids will like this one, because, duh, PIZZA!

Pizza Stuffed Zucchini

Ingredients:
3-4 medium zucchini (about 2 pounds)
12 ounces Italian sausage, browned and drained
1/2 cup chopped red pepper
1/2 cup chopped green pepper
2 tbs chopped onion
1 1/2 tsp Italian seasoning
1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
Grated Parmesan cheese
Grated Mozzarella Cheese

Cut zucchini in half lengthwise.  

Scoop out pulp, leaving 1/4 inch shell.  Reserve pulp.  

 

Cook shells in salted water for 2 minutes

Remove and drain.  Chop zucchini pulp.  

Place pulp in pan and add sausage, peppers, onion, seasoning and tomato sauce.  

Bring to a boil.  Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 5 minutes.  

Spoon filling into shells.  

Sprinkle with cheese.  Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees for about 25-30 minutes or until heated through.

Enjoy!

Charlie prefers to pick them up and just shove it in his mouth, but you can eat it however you like.

Oh! And you probably have plenty of extra pizza stuffing, so here's an idea for serving that for lunch the next day!  Just spread on top of halved english muffins and top with cheese. 

Stick in the oven for about 10 minutes and Volia!  Mini pizzas!

You could also freeze the extra stuffing to use at a later time!

Love and Logic Parenting - Letting Your Kids FAIL

That title is a tough one, isn't it?  Just the thought of it makes me want to throw this book in the garbage.  But the wisdom in the idea of letting our kids fail is so deep, I just have to make myself embrace it and let the helicopter land for a bit.

As I continue to read Parenting with Love and Logic I am finding myself so much stronger in my confidence as a parent.  It really feels so good to have practical ideas and thoughts about parenting in my Mommy tool belt.  Here are a few thoughts about letting your kids fail that I read recently.

The basic idea here is that unless we allow our children to fail, we can not allow them to choose success.

Love and Logic helps kids raise their odds of becoming thinking individuals who choose success.  As parents, this means that we must allow for failures and help our kids make the most of them during their elementary school days, when the price tags are still reasonable.

We can hurt a little as we watch them learn life's lessons now, or we can hurt a lot as we watch them grow up to be individuals unable to care for themselves.

These are all points that I took straight from the book.  It's like gold, isn't it?  Here are my thoughts:

When I do not allow my children to fail, I am teaching them that no matter what happens, Mommy and Daddy will always fix your problems for you.  Whether it's a broken toy at 6 or a crashed car at 16, I want my kids to know that they can handle their problems and that Mom and Dad will always be there for them as support.  Does that make sense?  Let's see an example:

Chase breaks a toy due to, let's say, extreme boy behavior.  He comes to me crying, "I broke my toy!"  my response could be:

"Oh, that's just terrible! Here, let me see it, let me see if I can fix it. OH NO.  I can't fix, I'm so sorry!"
Chase falls into heaping mess on the floor, screaming.
"Oh, honey, don't cry!  Here, look, Mommy will ask Daddy to fix it, Mommy will keep trying, Mommy will buy you a new one, do you want a cookie to make you feel better? Please don't cry my sweet little gum drop sugar plum angel face baby boy."

OR

"I broke my toy!"
"Oh, no, how did that happen?"
"I was throwing it and it just broke!"
"Oh, that's too bad.  When I get too rough with my stuff, something bad usually happens too.  What are you going to do about it?"   (note: this is said with true empathy and love, NOT sarcasm)
"I don't know, YOU fix it!"
"I'd be happy to help you out with this problem when you speak to me nicely."
"Mommy, would you please help me fix it?"
"Sure, let me see here...oh, I'm so sorry, it doesn't look like it is something that I can fix."
Chase falls into heaping mess on the floor, screaming.
"I can see how upset you are about this.  When you are ready to calm down, let me know and you and I can work together to figure out a solution to your problem."
So when he becomes calm, we will talk about ways to get the toy fixed (ask daddy, use his saved money to buy a new one, chalk it up to a lesson learned and talk about not being too rough with our toys).

The consequence?  The broken toy.  If it was a toy he liked, that is a big enough consequence on it's own.  If it was not and he continues to show careless behavior with his toys, we may need to have this conversation:

"Mom, where are my toys?"
"Ohhhh, it's kind of a bummer..."
"What?!"
"Since you are having a hard time remembering to be gentle with your toys, I took them away for a couple of days, you know, to protect them.  I'm sure you'll find something else to do for now."

So the first example is maybe a bit exaggerated, but really not too far from some of our truths, is it?

The second example is me showing empathy and placing the problem back into Chase's hands.  I did not make it my problem. I did not rescue him.  I did not fix it for him.  Sure sometimes, we do need to step in, that's common sense.  But if we raise our kids with the idea in their heads, "If I screw this up, how am I going to fix it?" as opposed to "I'm not going to worry about the consequences, Mom and Dad will just take care of this later (like they always do).  For now, I'm just gonna have some fun!"  Well, it's easy to see how they will respond when the problem is:

"MOM, I just crashed my car."
"Oh, no, are you ok, what happened?"
"Yes, I'm fine.  I was driving too fast/being careless/changing the radio station/etc"
"I'm so glad you are ok.  Don't worry honey, I'm sure you know how to handle this.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you."

I know, I know, easier said than done, and I don't have teenagers yet.  But I was a teenager once and I did watch my poor parents deal with two teenage boys, so I can really see where this mind set will work if started early enough with our kids.

Another thought... don't rush in to prevent mistakes.  Let them get the answer wrong on heir homework once in awhile.  How about instead of stressing yourself out about that report due in two days that your middle-schooler forgot about, you let them get a failing grade and as a result, can not play school sports until the grade is raised.  GASP, I know.  That's not a bad parent, that's a parent teaching their child responsibility.

So what do you think?  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and we can all use some more ideas and advice!